¿Who Are You?

Who are you? Are you what you’ve done? What you do? Are you your dreams? Drawing on five years of bartending and watching countless first dates from the inconspicuous sanctuary that is “behind the bar”…I can tell you that each time two people are getting to know each other the following are covered:

o   What you’ve done.

o   What you do.

o   What you want to do.

To an American, much of what makes a person a desirable friend, mate, network opportunity or new hire has everything to do with doing.  Places you’ve worked, cool-ass trips you’ve taken, bomb concerts you’ve attended, what you studied in school, your current job and what your intentions are for your future. We like drive and plans. The worst insult you could call us is “lazy”.  Professional doing, personal doing, academic doing. If you’re not doing, you’re not improving. And if you’re not improving, you’re stagnant. And if you’re stagnant, you’re a failure.

I’m comfortable with meeting people in my culture because I know how to act and react to the dance of questions that comes with meeting someone new. I can pleasantly and engagingly answer the interview questions that one poses and genuinely reciprocate with well-timed and thoughtful follow-up questions. Conversations are bartender’s greatest work of art (and working Freshman Orientations also helped).   

Cut scene to a tranquil, lush mountainside community of humble Dominicans. In places with little opportunity, doing isn’t who you are. It can’t be.

The members of my community can’t talk about what they studied in school because most have a 5^th grade education. They can’t talk about the cool show they were at last weekend because tickets cost about how much they make in a week.  They don’t talk about what they do for a living because they work washing clothes, or driving a bus, or selling lottery tickets.
The first questions I’m asked are if I’m married and if I have kids. Upon meeting the hundredth woman my age who’s married with three kids… I often awkwardly blurt out some unintelligible question dealing with her bean cooking preferences. Followed up with the equally awkward weather talk. Literally how do you talk about weather in a place where it is ALWAYS THE SAME?!

I’m discovering how to meet people without talking about doing. Here you are less of what you do and more what they call your forma de ser or “way of being”. You are how much you give to others, who your family is and how much you pass by to say hello. You are also how many times you bathe a day, the clothes you wear and how good your beans are (women only). Many Dominicans live extremely relaxed lives in which no one ever really has anywhere they need to be at any specific time, they aren’t trying to conquistar that promotion or get one kid to clarinet practice and the other to soccer at the same time on Thursday evening. As such, their extremely extroverted selves are always such a relaxed and loving joy to be around. Perhaps this is why they don’t allow themselves to get stressed out….because it would negatively affect their forma de ser and then they would be a social pariah. Kind of me right now. JUST KIDDING. Am I? Could go either way.

Adding to my social pariah-ship is the fact that in spaces of “poverty” like this, 100% of your forma de ser is around 100% of their forma de ser 100% of the time. They see you struggling to learn how to wash your own underwear by hand in the backyard. They notice when you’ve gone to the bathroom 8 times a day for the last 3 days. They see you before bed hunched over, awkwardly trying to brush your teeth while juggling a flashlight and toothbrush in one hand and a water bottle in the other. They see you in a towel enter and exit the outdoor “shower” and notice how sweaty you get when they make soup for lunch on an 88° day.* 

You can’t present the best side of yourself because everyone sees everything: hiding the bad things and presenting the good parts doesn’t exist here.  It’s scary because they find out quickly how (who?) you really are.

So then this is the question: Who are you minus all the doing? I’m still figuring it out. It’s been interesting meeting people via only their formas de ser. Maybe it makes me insecure. I am so comfortable as myself in American culture but I don’t yet know how to construct my “Dominican self”. 

How can someone know me without knowing everything I’ve done? How can I know someone without knowing everything they’ve done?

I’ve seen parts of these people that most Americans reserve for only their most intimate friends…but it’s different, and sometimes I feel like I’m living around strangers who will never understand me, and sometimes I feel like these people have seen more sides of me than many of my people in the States.

*All random examples that have definitely not happened to me.